For Now
by Wendy McCalister
Summary: They would think of other things later. For now, they had each other, and they were happy with that. Kurama/Botan, two-shot
1. Chapter 1: Botan

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.**

**For Now  
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**Chapter 1: Botan**

Botan still remembered her first time.

It had been with him.

She remembered how new it felt to her, remembered how it had hurt her, yet made her feel so good at the same time, how the air was thick with sex and sweat and, how she had _loved_ every minute of it.

It was the start of their relationship.

Of course, their _relationship_, wasn't something they would call love. Love had nothing to do with it. She didn't think they had loved each other when it all started, nor did she think there was love between each other now. Though she'd rather like to think that they weren't just friends with benefits, because she cared for Kurama. And she knew he felt the same way for her, by the way he would go rough with her, but soften when he thought he was hurting her too much.

Just not in a romantic way.

Or, at least, that was what she once thought.

She had remembered the first time she'd realize her feelings for him, the first time she had ever felt jealous. She didn't like the way other women stared at him, nor did she like them talking to him, or getting too close to him.

It had first struck her as something confusing and shocking. Something so surprising that she didn't know how to handle it. But, as time passed, and more jealousy rose, she got used to it. Got used to feeling like she was head over heals over Kurama, got used to feeling so insecure whenever she was with him.

She got used to being jealous.

But that didn't meant she liked it.

She knew though, she didn't really had any right to feel insecure, or jealous even, because Kurama wasn't hers. The little relationship they had was something but lovers. But, she couldn't help herself. Couldn't help herself from sometimes feeling like she hated him for having any contact with any girl. Couldn't help herself from feeling so lonely whenever he wasn't around.

She'd loved him, then she'd feel jealous. She'd hate him, avoided him for days, then feel like she was empty without him. She'd go back to him, and let herself drown in him. But then she'd be feeling jealous again. And the circle kept repeating itself over and over again. Again and again she left him, and again and again she came back to him.

It was tiring.

But, she didn't think she mind.

She let herself go crazy over him.

Most times, she'd hope for him to love her back. She wanted to know how he felt. Yet, she knew who Kurama was. He was a genius who kept his feelings to himself. She still wished though, he would give her some hints. Hints that maybe he had the same feelings for her.

But then, she would think, what if Kurama didn't love her? What if he felt nothing but just a simple friendly — or whatever they were — caring?

She'd ask herself those questions repeatedly in her head, each time she would she end up with the same answer: She'd still stay with him.

Because she loved him too much to even think of leaving him.

And she thought,

even if he didn't love her, being with him was enough.

It was enough for now.

For now she would cherish the times she spent with him.

For now she would let herself wondering how he felt.

Then maybe, later, she'd ask him.


	2. Chapter 2: Kurama

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, and I never will, as much as I want to.**

**For Now  
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**Chapter 2: Kurama**

Friends with benefits?

That was a rather unlikable way to describe how Kurama felt about their relationship. But, he wouldn't call them friends either, because normal friends don't really have sex with each other.

Then was it love?

He'd ponder the fact for a moment, before deciding, that it was complicated.

Don't get him wrong, he was fond of her. She was special to him, more special than any woman had ever been in his life, and she was a very important woman — other than his mother, of course — to him. Botan, to him, was the only woman that ever made him feel different, she was the only woman that was able to made him feel like he could be himself.

He felt at ease around her.

And he cared for her, he really did.

But, he wasn't really sure if what he felt for her was anything like _love_. He didn't know for sure if he even had any feelings for her. Of course, neither of them did at the start, but as time progressed, he couldn't help but wonder about love, at times. Did he love her? Did he? Those thoughts would bother him every time the sex — he didn't really think 'making love' was a correct way to say it — was over. They'd repeat themselves over and over again in his head like a broken lullaby as he lay there in his bed, with Botan sleeping next to him. He kept thinking about it for seconds, minutes and maybe, hours. Thinking so hard that it drove him mad.

Then he'd get up, decided he needed to get out to calm his head for a bit, and left.

The process would it repeat itself over and over again, until he had found out about his real feelings for her.

He hadn't realize it before, or maybe, he chose not to acknowledge that feeling. That feeling of being green with envy. Most times, he was jealous of Koenma and Yusuke, because at times, the two men seemed to be closer to her than he was. Of course, he had felt it for a long time whenever Botan was with other men, but he had chose to shrug it off as something small, because it didn't feel strong then. He wasn't really that envious then.

After the start of their relationship though, as time passed by, the feeling of jealousy just got stronger and stronger. So strong that sometimes he'd feel like he was losing the control he usual had over himself.

He'd watch with sharp, narrowed eyes, whenever any men dared to make a move at her. He'd feel that overwhelming jealousy creeping up in his heart, and he'd think, _she's mine_! But then, once again, he'd chose to control himself and just let his feet take him away from there.

It had took him longer than expected to realize he loved her, a fact that made him feel a bit frustrated at himself. He'd never cared about his feelings, he stopped caring about them so long, that something as simple as loving a woman, was hard for him to figure it out.

Then he'd think, wondered, if she felt the same way for him. He'd remember Yusuke, or Koenma, and the anger and jealousy would take over his senses, then he'd hurt her without meaning to, before softening again.

There were also times when she had left him, avoiding him for days like the plague, leaving him confused, angered and frustrated before going back to him. During those times, he had tried many ways to rid himself of the loneliness he felt, but every time, _every time_, he failed. Then, when she'd come back, he'd be so angry that he went so rough on her, that he'd make her bend over, make her beg for him to take her like a bitch in heat, because he was just so fucking furious. But then they'd both loved it, and he'd got over his anger, and he'd realize, that the emptiness was gone.

Botan was special.

She drove him mad with emotions. He loved her, then he'd be frustrated every time he thought about her, he'd be angry with jealousy, letting himself lose control and hurt her, biting too hard, or clawing kissing too rough. Then he'd feel the regret creeping over him, softening and apologizing before softening. She made him feel like he was a madman.

Kurama loved her.

He loved the way her body fit so well against his, the way her moans and whimpers sounded like music to his ears, the way she arched her back against his touch and licks, the way her face looked flushed and her lips bruised from his passionate kisses, the way she would feel around him and, the way she would curl her soft, long fingers around his red locks, massaging his scalp and pulling a little whenever he thrusted hard enough to leave her breathless and aching for more.

He loved her laughter, her smile, the way she talked, basically _everything_ about her.

He loved her so much, so badly, that it hurts.

But it was okay, he supposed, love was supposed to hurt. It was supposed to make you feel like you're helpless, supposed to make you feel a thousand agonies. It was supposed to do that. He didn't mind that it hurt, because what was important then was that he loved her.

Then he'd think of telling her, again and again. But every time he tried to, he failed. He'd understand then how hard it was for guys to confess to the woman of their dreams, which was something he didn't understand before, until he met her.

He wanted her to love him, too. He hoped she did. But Kurama knew, even if Botan didn't, he wasn't allowed to force his feelings on her. And he knew, more than anyone else, he knew, how it hurt to be in this — strange — relationship with her without telling her and knowing how she felt. It hurt so badly, yet it felt so good to have her in his arms, to have her come to him every night, that he didn't think he cared how much it hurt.

It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, but he never mind.

He'd still wonder though, he'd still wonder about them.

But for now, he'd let his thoughts vanish.

For now, it didn't matter if she loved him back or not.

For now, he'd let himself go crazy over this one woman, and,

for now, he wasn't going to think when he'd confess.

The right time will come, sooner or later.

But for now, he'd rather be together with her, he'd rather left other things to go rot, he'd rather have her in his arms.

For now, he was content with how things were.


End file.
